Polyamor,What is that?

It was once free sexuality...

And to realize that this expression, "free sexuality" was badly included/understood and even more badly applied, seeing contents "kisses much there" and to jump on all that moves, without being concerned with bond to build.

In fact, for much, the concept of free sexuality expresses the capacity to satisfy without problem a sexual desire. But the satisfaction of the sexual desire, it is not the love. Moreover, the concept of free sexuality is too often the place of frivolous and transitory, and the practice of people unable to create a bond, and a fortiori several!  

In order to stop this confusion between love and desire and this quartering in the transitory one,  it etait become imperative to use another term. We chose that of polyamour.
Nature having creates the man, the woman and the love which joins together them, Projetorgone made to the promotion of a polyamour primarily heterosexual. 

The polyamour is defined as follows:

The polyamour is creation between several people, of bonds and relations durable, plural, friendly, emotional, in love, sexual. 

For the polyamoureux ones, it is not a question to have connections or to cheat with the people whom you love. There are neither secrecies, nor lies: all is held according to concluded agreements', in all reciprocity and openly. Polyamour, it is to love several people at the same time, in an engaged way, ethical and consensual. The polyamoureuses relations can be sexual or not, they are tender and affectionate. 

The majority of the polys (polyamoureux) know the jealousy of time to others, but they do not let it control their life, it is a major element of their personal development. The jealousy is like the fear or any other not desired emotion: a thing on which it is necessary to work, then to exceed it. When one treats it with honesty and stoicism, it loses much of its capacity. Much sees it as the signal of something which must be taken into account and analyzed, just like would be to it the depression or the pain.

Y-a it of the disadvantages to being polyamoureux?

There are some of them:

·         You need désapprendre much conditionings, to start with the couple.

·         You must learn how to manage the jealousy, and to work to eliminate it.

·         It is much more difficult for you to protect your loneliness. 

·         It is necessary for you to be honest with yourself and the others.

·         You should improve your communication.

·         You are perceived by the majority like one deviating social and cultural.

·         More lovers means goodbye the longer (that can take fifteen minutes to leave at home...)

The majority of these disadvantages can also be seen like advantages...

Points common to the polyamoureux one: 

·         Not possessive.

·         Love of honesty.

·         An amount above the average of self-knowledge.

·         A priority for the personal development.

·         Increased sensitivity.

Beliefs common to the polyamoureux one:

·         The strict monogamy with life is a myth.

·         People are not a "property" and cannot be had by anyone.

·         People have the right to the free choice of their relations and their family.

·         The relations are there to be useful to us, and not conversely!!

·         Nobody can meet all our needs for a whole life.

How the polys perceive do the monogamy?

The majority of the polys share the currency "food and to let live". They are content for people who find their happiness in the monogamy. However, which strikes the polys it is that the statistics on the divorce and adultery show that the monogamy fails much more than it does not succeed... The polys tend to regard the modern nuclear family as the last aberration during the human history and believe that the larger families or tribes, more complex, were the natural structure of the family human being. The polys often think that IL is by far preferable for the children to have a broad panel of adults like models of reference, instead of only one couple married according to the model monogamist. The polys, in general, disapprove the identification of our culture to the monogamy like its tendency "to overlook" the alternative life styles.

Polyamour, instructions!

The long text which follows is extracted from the site of the association Polyamour(1) which we thank and congratulate for quality on the pages.
Paragraphs were cut out, supplemented, corrected, added,  retitrés  to make them digestes, more complete more.

1°)Dire the truth

The durable relations are based on honesty. Honesty is not difficult and becomes a practice. Known as the truth... if your relation cannot surmount that (but it it most probably can), it is not good for you . 
To say the truth is simpler than to lie, the opposite is only lie: to lie, it is work!! Ca can become heavy and insulate to you. The small lies insulate (and nourish some larger). Do not ask a lover to lie to other lovers or to hold to them of the secret things... 
The secrecies nourish mistrust, create walls and discourage any attempt at intimacy. Make the difference between intimacy and secrecy. To resist temptation "to protect" somebody by saying to the others what they want to hear. And especially do not pretend tenderness. If you are not sure to like, known as not. If your relations are not a priority in your life, say it. Encourage honesty at the others. Over all: Be honest towards yourself!  Are you in the search of one of sexual approval? Do you have project to build a durable bond? Do you want to found a place of life? Do you prefer to limit yourselves to the moment which passes? 

2°) To learn how to express

It is the most important art and sometimes most difficult to acquire. Pass from the moments of quality with yourself and try to discover which you are. 
The majority among us never do it. 
Learn how to say when you are of bad mood, on the defensive, unreasonable, hypersensitive or plugged by the energy of a new relation... Know your limits. If you are not ready to be a good friend or lover for somebody: say it. Discover where you could improve. Learn what is healthy for you, and what is not it. Learn when to go to walk you and take the air; the adults also need them cuts. To find which are really your priorities and live -. If your life does not reflect your priorities, change life, not priorities!... and this, as of today, not in a hypothetical future. 

3°) to know oneself

Much among us never sees the logical psychological diagrams of their own behavior, whereas they jump to the eyes of all, such as for example choosing the same type of lover, or behaving exactly as the father did it. They are not seen. What don't you know you? You can transform your dependences into preferences and finally in choice... for that, still should they be known! 

Take time to discover : 

·         The luggage of your childhood 

·         The weight of your last relation which you still carry 

·         Of what you need 

·         What you want, simply,

·         What actuates your "levers" and why 

·         How you continue to develop you 

·         Which compromises you accept

·         Which are your motivations

·         What returns to you jealous, dubious, or competitive 

·         Where you go too far 

·         Your behavioral diagrams

·         Your strong points and your weaknesses 

·         etc....

One still returns from there to honesty!!

4°) not to neglect itself

Do a work on yourself "Cultivate your own garden in your heart... do not await-not that somebody of other brings flowers to you." 
Instead of awaiting approval, satisfaction, or the joy of others, learn how to do it yourself. This is a paramount aptitude for the life, not only in the relations. You will be always at the thank you of somebody... until you learn how to satisfy your own needs. Once that you will make it, you will gain a freedom and a confidence in you, that nobody will be able to remove you. You can regard people as the equal ones and to choose to enjoy the life together (instead of timidly exchanging needs in "an emotional economy driven by the shortage"). Ironically, a person with this kind of independence is very attracting. (Only if we do not need any. Thank you!). Take time to think of it on what you must work and leave you space to do it. 

5°) to accept oneself

Pay attention to yourselves, are benevolent, like you, accept you, forgive you, respect you, are your servant, educate you, are simply yourself, and especially: "leave slackness!"... We are all too hard towards ourselves. Our mirrors are deforming: let us learn how to compensate for this distortion. Let us learn "emotional first aid". Put your "emotional waste" in order, are the number one in your life. Work on your problems enfance/parents. If you do not make disappear your phantoms, it is them which will make you disappear. The relation that you maintain with yourself is the base of all the others.

6°) Have your feelings

Fear is what, usually, prevents honesty. Make honesty possible for people in their preventing that it is synonymous with risk for them. 
Be in possession of your feelings. Nobody can return to you sad, coleric, or happy. Your emotions belong to you. They exist in your head, nowhere elsewhere. You are holder: they are always choices. Accept that sometimes you smell yourselves well or badly, for some reason that it is (not because of people or the events of your life). 
If you make somebody responsible for the way in which you feel, you relieve yourselves of your own capacity. To play the victims or the martyrs is only one way of handling people. To say: "I wound you because my parents wounded me", it is certainly to recognize the emotion honestly, but to thus act, it is to abdicate, and deliver your life to the others and the past.

7°) Take your responsabilities

Be here, now. Take your emotions in hand and are the author of your life. It is you who must take the responsability to satisfy your needs (yes, even your sexual needs). 
Do not say to the others : "make happy, protects me to me, saves me". Or then, known as rather  "helps I to return to me happy, helps me to protect me, helps me to save me." Learn how to pay attention to yourself. The relations represent work. If there are problems in one of your relations, or if your life is battle fields: upright! and take your share of responsibility (but not more!) , even if you think that you do not deserve it. To take its responsabilities is not synonymous to be made reproaches, it is to take control. You recall when you left the family cocoon... When you take your life in hand more, you have more freedom, not less.

8°) Encourage the personal development

Recall you to apprehend your lovers and your friends as human beings... it is surprisingly easy to forget it! Encourage them in the continuation of their career, their spiritual research, their formation,  their ambitions, their vital questioning, and this, at their rate/rhythm and their manner.
Help them to include/understand and look after their wounds and with better including itself/understanding them-even consequently.  Encourage them to be caught time for them and leave them the space which they need. Help them to observe their weaknesses and to develop their force. Ask them to make some in the same way with you, but in their saying how...  They cannot read your thoughts. 
A way of encouraging the interior development is to give to those which you like freedom to like of other people. 
The personal development is sometimes difficult alone and without reference mark. We will speak soon about the therapy.

9°) do not melt on the weakness

Some find the lacks emotional and the weakness at the others, very attracting, either because their own weakness is thus minimized, or because they can play a part of saver or guard which gives them the feeling to exist and to be important for others. They create a bond of dependence thus based on a relative inequality: force/faibless and protecteur/protégé. Perhaps believes that they will not exist any more and that they will be rejected if their lovers become strong and autonomous. They thus tend to maintain people in the weakness and the emotional need and perpetuate the " saving" dependence in order not to be abandoned. They forget that L' love is based on a relation of equality.   
They are undoubtedly generous, but lay down their conditions and.... their chains!  It is not a question of unconditional love (nor probably of very short love!).

10°) Face your fears

The love can be blocked by difficult emotions like the insecurity or the fear of the abandonment. A way of treating a blocking emotion is of going to its fronts.

"the single emergency exit, it is: to cross".
Do not flee it, that does nothing but reinforce it. You plunge inside, face, examine-there it. 
Feel in you the emotion, the jealousy for example. Why do you want to have the place of the other? is this a competitor? do you have to lose? do you have to gain? am I to want to have the other? do I rely in me and my feeling? am I sure of a reciprocity?

Then exceed the emotion. Your fear is quite worse than reality !! Make the experiment and the emotion loses of its capacity and you grow while becoming stronger. You can even use emotions like the insecurity, sadness, the giddiness, etc... in order to learn on yourself. Give them your attention, they are worth the sorrow of it because they are a share of you.
And be worth it well to you!

11°) Practise the respect

The respect applies to all, with people whom we meet, even or subordinates.
It also applies to those which are in situation of distress.
It applies even screw to life of people who are of a contrary opinion to ours, and who are opposed!  
Honour the limits and the restrictions with people. Listen when somebody says "not". Require the same thing for you. Do not tolerate any abuse any kind. You deserve better. Be polished with your partners, they deserve it more than whoever in your life. It is too easy to regard the partners as an acquired thing. 
Respect also your engagements.
Pledge for a limited lapse of time and not for all the life. "You me wives for another year?"... That helps you to remain attentive. Try not to keep best yourself for one of your partners, while excluding from other partners, especially when you are all together... Traitez them all with the same regards, if not they will be offended.

12°) Acceptez the others such as they are

The expressions like "better", "more", preferred ", oblige to compare and push people with the competition: thus there is a loser. Find a means of saving everyone. Respect the relations as well as people. Regard each relation as a distinct entity. It can be healthy or sick. It has a natural form; do not try to force it to be other thing. Find its form and let be to it what it is. Resist temptation to use a relation to put order in your ideas: a lover is not a rescue raft! Or then, clearly explain the terms of the contract of assistance ! And if you need a therapy, outward journey to see a specialist. 
It is easy to project your waitings on the others "It perhaps will change...". Do not try to force somebody to be what it is not. People are "contractual purchases"... Accept them for what they are, poor and strong, good and very poor at the same time, or do not accept them at all! 
If you want the respect, hold your promises. Remain faithful to your engagements, you do not chamaillez on the direction of the words by seeking convenient loopholes. If you make a pact in the kitchen, also respect it in the room.

13°) Listen to the weakness 

Observe your force: It makes you discover the others and their weaknesses. What do you know lived ways and hells? , you are modest do not have nothing to do with your power.  , you open listen, you have to learn. Having learned, you will be able to include/understand. To better like. What know of that which you see weak? of its former lives? You live in a world cheater which made force a value of reference, but which is based on the report/ratio of force and on the domination to mask weaknesses which were made ashamed. In front of what you see as being weakness, question you on your felt : isn't it shame of your own hidden weakness? Which value judgment still controls you? 
Leave all that. Melt on the love. It is alone to carry out to justice.  

14°) Communicate

If you want relations healthy, solids aptitudes for the communication are necessary... they are not a luxe!!... the problems usually start when the dialogue ceases. Things, on which you worked patiently and with love, come on the carpet without stop, even if you are not in your good day. With time, that becomes easier, but that takes work and will to bore the abscesses and to cut down the walls. The aptitude to be communicated is what makes to somebody a good lover, or a "dunce".
The aptitude to be disputed is not an aptitude of communication. To better dispute than somebody does not give you reason, that returns to you just better in argument! Certain people want to gain at all costs an argument... even if that costs them their relation. In what is this important for you to be right and to prove it? to affirm your ego? It is thus so fragile that that ?  

15°) To listen

To listen is more important than to speak... and more difficult. To listen attentively, not simply to listen. Make contact with the eyes. Be here now, do not rove. Paraphrase by summarizing them the ideas of your interlocutors to see whether you listened well. 
Become aware of your vocabulary and your feelings when you listen. Perceive the emotions of dissatisfaction without needing to make up them, listen to the disagreements without taking party. Be receptive with the not-verbal communication ... usually, it speaks more clearly than the words. Be attentive with the way in which people love you. 
Any discussion is not synonymous with communication. If you lose yourselves in the forest while spending several times in front of the same beacons, you remade without stop the same error. Become aware of your ego.  To raise the voice and to speak with hardness make to you more difficult to include/understand, not easier. 

16°) you Express clearly

Avoid saying "always" and "never" at the time of a disagreement, that does nothing but unearth the past and ressusciter old errors. Known as "I" instead of "you": "I think that you have wrong" is more acceptable than "you are wrong". Express your felt, your emotions, rather than a judgement of the other. Learn how to make the difference between the judgement from an act and its author, and with implicit and unjust generalization: to say "this paper is null" is quite different from "you are null".   
You express clearly; people cannot read your thoughts. Learn how to ask what you want. Cut down the borders between your feelings and your words. If you put limits and restrictions, communicate it. Check that each one can with what leave it. Learn how to defuse the arguments. If necessary, learn how to say goodbye! One communicates better by the actions that by the words. Show to people that you like them. Share the kindness, the affection, the laughter.

17°) Be positive

To have tools is not enough, still should it be used! It is necessary to want some!! 
Your frame of mind will make that that functions or that that fails lamentably. Avoid the situations or there is gaining and losers.
In your group, make the important decisions with the consensus, in the absence of unanimity..... 
Do not lay down you in anger, express what grains you. In the same way, clarify of a positive light the difficult situations. Many relations are étiolent because of negative energy. Try not to transform the small fixings into enormous problems. 
Seek solutions, not culprits! Avoid being indirect. Practise the tolerance, patience, flexibility, generosity, comprehension, forgiveness. Will be able to excuse itself. Laugh at yourself. Control your ego: Dare wrong. You will not be able to learn from the made errors if you want to always be right! And if you make a point of being right always,  it is easy: It is enough to conceal to you when you have twists!

18°) Misez on the friendship 

Relaxed... be happy. Listen more than you do not speak. Give the last word to the others. Take short cuts. Try to perceive the things from the point of view of others... the empathy is the antidote of anger. Remain calm and recall you to breathe well. Destroy the walls, make confidence, open you, take risks and allow you to be vulnerable. Without vulnerability, not of intimacy. Stress the friendship, more than on the romanticism. Take your time. Enjoy what you have instead of you to become heavy on what you do not have! Practise with honesty the unconditional love. 
Divide, learn.

19°) you with the therapy Open

The therapy, it is to take care to a wounded organization. It is already to agree to recognize that one was wounded. We were very wounded by the life, the family, the company and the deprivations of love. To rediscover and relearn the natural love are a therapy. 
The therapy, it is your personal development, but with an external help, thus a therapeutic "referent", and moments of therapy fixed and defined in time. Courage to change needs witness. That the person that you will have chosen as "therapeutist" is your comrade or an external specialist, he will be this "witness" of your way and will use it to you as reference. A "contract" between will specify you and him the limits, the tools and the means of the action to undertake, the limits and the rules of the game of the therapy. But your personal development, with the name of the emotional release, will not authorize you to transform your common place of life into field-closed  therapy not-stop!     

20°) Be ready for the adventure

The adventure starts with the dawn of each morning. Be ready. Do not plan all. You with the adventure open, give place to the unforeseen one. Do not make a project on the others, you would place yourself?illères. Limit your projects over time, it restricts you. More often have the nose in the air than on your planning. Leave time at time, breathe the moment which passes. That it is with your lovers, the colors of sleeping or the odor of the bread which cooks, let you carry, let you take, release taken.  Appointment available and receptive,  and show it by your attitude. Then only you will be ready with the unexpected one.